Grudges are a mixture of emotional hurt, unfulfilled expectation, anger and fear from the past. They are present as festering emotional wounds. They continue to hurt and often swell to include other hurts. Grudges are mainly painful to their owner. They can and often are used as reasons to hurt the other person in return. So the viscous cycle of emotional wounding continues. Grudges tend to become very heavy over time and get in the way of the owner experiencing joy and happiness. (I think this topic would be a great children’s story! Maybe it already is…)
A cure for a grudge starts with the owner’s desire to change. Our intellect can find many reasons and rationales for keeping grudges around. Being “right” is not often being happy, in harmony and at peace with a person in your life. So if the grudge owner is ready to let go of the grudge, here are some helpful tips. The following steps come from a simplified spiritual practice. To heal emotional wounds we must use skills beyond our emotions and intellect. I call these “spiritual” skills. If the word and/or concept of “spirituality” turns you off, think of them as “life skills” or “living-in-peace skills.”
- First, think or say “I’m sorry.” (Even if you are “right” and feel justified in your opinion.) This is a humbling step. Your ego must step down.
- Second, think or say “Please forgive me.” (Forgiveness is a process that is essential for peace.)
- Third, think or say “Thank you.” (Feeling gratitude is receiving the gifts of the world, and in this process, the gift of forgiveness. It is the ability to receive mercy.)
- The final step is to think or say “I love you.” (To give love reconnects us to the other person, it is the ultimate gift we can give, the most help we can ever offer and the one gift that lasts forever!)
Do this process as many times as you need to as often as you need to. It gets easier with practice. It is free and can be done anywhere, anytime. Warning: you may find yourself smiling more often, and feeling quite buoyant!
Dr. Wendy Van Dilla is a Naturopathic Physician with offices in Los Alamos and Santa Fe. She is trained as a primary care physician with a holistic medical philosophy and uses natural medicines and therapies to help patients heal their whole selves.
